Alone, with my rage......

What a week it has been. I think that the beginning of the week I had a nervous breakdown. Do I know why.....nope. I just felt all of this nothingness inside. All I wanted to do when I got up was go right back to bed. Then when I got up, the anxiety of the world and my daily mommy duties would about do me in. Then the rage would set in.

I tend to feel like that alot lately. I dont want to "hang out" with the girls much. I definately don't want to spend time with my family. It is nothing that they do, it is me. I tend to isolate myself when I get this way. Even tonight I talked my way out of going to a hockey game so I could stay home alone. The rest of my family is at the rink eating popcorn and watching hockey players get into brawls. They are probably having a great time and I could care less.

You see, I am Bi-polar and I fly through emotions like my boys go through crates of ramen noodles. (Yes, I know they have no nutritional value, but you try to feed a house full of boys on $200/month. Oops, sorry, ADD moment) No one really knows how to take me, neither do I for that matter. I would love to be the girl that everyone would like to go and hang out with. The one with the infectious personality, that you just feel good being around.

That is not how I work though. I wasn't made that way. I am still looking for the woman that I was made to be. Looking for the right words to say. The right thoughts to go running through my mind rather than a constant humming rage that never stops.

Over the next few weeks I will be sharing some letters that I have written to myself. They are letters that start when I am born, and go up until the present. I had never felt so free as when I wrote those letters the first time, so I am hoping that this time It will be just as freeing. You never know, I could have a major bi-polar swing and never write on here again..... Hopefully not, it could happen though.....

Regardless, it will be hard, interesting and, one crazy journey.

Pain

I have no idea why I feel that I need to write this today. It is like the story is eating me from the inside. Trying to chew its way out. Maybe it is because after reading other blogs with their stories mine wants out.

Now as I get ready to type the first line my mind goes blank. There is no easy way to say it. When I was 16 my little brother was hit by a car and killed, he was 12. It took me 15 years to write that sentence the first time, and to write it the second time, it has been 17 years. Sitting here the tears are beginning to roll down my cheeks and I am beginning to freeze up.

Growing up in my family we did not talk about these things. I'm sure that I could have if I really wanted to but re-experiencing the pain was too much. Even now it makes my husband uncomfortable. So I keep it in and don't let it out. If you don't acknowledge it happened it doesn't have to be real right?

It did happen though.....and it changed my life forever. In that one second my whole world was changed forever. It altered the course of my life and I have never felt that I was going on the right track since.....

What I learned from Blissdom Pt. 1

I Went to Blissdom! I spent 3 days there learning and 2 whole days driving there and back. Over the next few days I will give some revelations/observations that I had while I was there. It has been hard to order all of my thoughts so I decided to do this in small bits as it comes together cohesively in by brain....Here we go!

There are a lot of bloggers out there and it is a huge community. Being new to blogging I never realized how huge it is. Then to be hit with the realization that it is bigger than you ever imagined....wow.

So many blogs with so many unique names. The creativity in that room was amazing. Each individual had their own style and way to express it. Writing from the heart about thing that they were passionate about.

It was so nice to be in a place where so many people 'get you'. You can just be yourself, sit back and enjoy. Absorbing everything as it heads your way. To take it home and let the creativity run free to create something even beigger than you started with. All the while knowing that you have a huge community and tons of new friends behind you....

Now that is a great realization........

Thank you, Cozi!

So I am going to Blissdom. Yep, I am leaving my family for five whole days and going on a 10 hour road trip with two of my best girlfriends. I know sounds fun dosent it!!

I am so excited to go! I was even more excited when I found out that Cozi was going to sponsor our drive. Did I mention that...




What a great resource to use to keep yourself and your family organized. So a huge thank you to Cozi! I think that I'll be saying that more and more in the future as I utilize all of their great online tools.

Following my Bliss

What am I going to do to Follow My Bliss this year..... It all began with a day that I was having a pity party for myself. I was in a rut. Feeling like I was in a dead end job and going nowhere. My youngest child will be starting kindergarten this next year. I will have a ton of time on my hands. What will I do...

Then as I was in the middle of my pity party it came to me. Start a Blog about what I do ( I'm a cosmetologist) and grow it into an online empire. That will be my bliss.

There are So many ideas running through my head that I am about to explode!

What a great way to start by going to BlissDom! It will give me the skills to channel everything that is in my head and

Target on Black Friday

Guess what I was doing at 3am on Black Friday...Standing outside in the freezing cold at Target. Well OK, I was awake at 3am, at Target in line at 3:30. Need I say that it was freezing outside! I had to get out of the warm car because there were already 60 people in line. By the time that the doors opened there were probably 500+ in line. The line wrapped around the back of the building.

What was I there for you ask? A Barbie scooter on sale for $17 regularly priced at $35. Everyone else was in line for electronics,TV's, DVD players, cameras. Just a scooter for me and a few other bargains since I was there.

I have to give kudos to the employees at Target. They were on top of everything. There were carts blocking the line from the street so no one could budge. They started handing out maps of the store at 3am. The greatest though was when an employee came out, started at the beginning of the line and asked each person what they were looking for. He then proceeded to give you directions to where you were going. As well as helpful tips: don't worry about getting a cart they are scattered throughout the store, the sale TV's are already sitting in carts just walk up and grab one.

At 5am when the door opened we were off. I just worked down my list right around the store, Tinkerbell movie, Barbie scooter, Legos, sheet sets, blankets, throw in a new dvd player and I am done. Yes! Mission accomplished!!! I was in and out of Target in 15 minutes!

Now that is how you do Black Friday!

Going Rogue

Thanksgiving is almost here and I am not sure if I am looking forward to it. Of course I am looking forward to my Mother-in-laws food *drool*.

The thing that I am not sure about is my Father-in-law. Whenever we are around each other lately he corners me. What with you ask??? POLITICS We are both very passionate about our views. I research things and the decisions I make are not uninformed. He as with the other men in his family just know everything (ie: my husband). He is all wrapped up in the "Parties". I on the other hand am just me, an American. I believe in the Founders of our country and the Constitution. I don't care what party you are from if you represent my views, I will vote for you.

This year I have had to ask my husband to intervene for me if his Dad starts in. DH believes as I do (smart man). So when I asked him to help me out....his response "How about you just keep your mouth shut. I will argue with my Dad and when we start yelling at each other my Mom will jump in and tell us to knock it off."

So I think that I will just take a book to read and sit in a corner. I wonder if I would be "Going Rogue" if I took my new book.......hmm