Alone, with my rage......

What a week it has been. I think that the beginning of the week I had a nervous breakdown. Do I know why.....nope. I just felt all of this nothingness inside. All I wanted to do when I got up was go right back to bed. Then when I got up, the anxiety of the world and my daily mommy duties would about do me in. Then the rage would set in.

I tend to feel like that alot lately. I dont want to "hang out" with the girls much. I definately don't want to spend time with my family. It is nothing that they do, it is me. I tend to isolate myself when I get this way. Even tonight I talked my way out of going to a hockey game so I could stay home alone. The rest of my family is at the rink eating popcorn and watching hockey players get into brawls. They are probably having a great time and I could care less.

You see, I am Bi-polar and I fly through emotions like my boys go through crates of ramen noodles. (Yes, I know they have no nutritional value, but you try to feed a house full of boys on $200/month. Oops, sorry, ADD moment) No one really knows how to take me, neither do I for that matter. I would love to be the girl that everyone would like to go and hang out with. The one with the infectious personality, that you just feel good being around.

That is not how I work though. I wasn't made that way. I am still looking for the woman that I was made to be. Looking for the right words to say. The right thoughts to go running through my mind rather than a constant humming rage that never stops.

Over the next few weeks I will be sharing some letters that I have written to myself. They are letters that start when I am born, and go up until the present. I had never felt so free as when I wrote those letters the first time, so I am hoping that this time It will be just as freeing. You never know, I could have a major bi-polar swing and never write on here again..... Hopefully not, it could happen though.....

Regardless, it will be hard, interesting and, one crazy journey.

What I learned from Blissdom Pt. 1

I Went to Blissdom! I spent 3 days there learning and 2 whole days driving there and back. Over the next few days I will give some revelations/observations that I had while I was there. It has been hard to order all of my thoughts so I decided to do this in small bits as it comes together cohesively in by brain....Here we go!

There are a lot of bloggers out there and it is a huge community. Being new to blogging I never realized how huge it is. Then to be hit with the realization that it is bigger than you ever imagined....wow.

So many blogs with so many unique names. The creativity in that room was amazing. Each individual had their own style and way to express it. Writing from the heart about thing that they were passionate about.

It was so nice to be in a place where so many people 'get you'. You can just be yourself, sit back and enjoy. Absorbing everything as it heads your way. To take it home and let the creativity run free to create something even beigger than you started with. All the while knowing that you have a huge community and tons of new friends behind you....

Now that is a great realization........

Goodbye Mobile, oh how I shall miss you.....

Well Mobile, Van is back and it is time for you to go.

I will always remember the times that we had together. Driving down the road like the Little Engine that Could... Every time I thought you were about to give out you surprised me again surging forth with new vigor. It was often like a automotive dance that we would do together...quick quick sloooow, quick quick sloooow.

I will always remember how proud that I was when we would pull up in the bank drive through and you were so loud that the sound of your engine would echo off of the building. Everyone would stare, full of envy and jealousy wanting to be me. I am sorry for the times that we would have to go to the Walgreens drive-thru and I would have to turn you off so the pharmacist could hear me. They did not understand you as I do.

Please forgive me for when I lost faith in you. That cold night when we were going to get pizza and you just stopped. I was not taking care of you as I should have. You were out of gas. I didn't realize it right away, I just thought that The Little Engine had danced its last dance with me. I walked 4 blocks home, carrying my three pizzas with tears in my eyes. Thinking you would be towed to the cold, dark, lonely junkyard.

Mobile, I hope you find comfort in the fact that Van will be here to take care of us now. I hear that there is another family waiting for you. So tomorrow you go home. Then off again to someone else. I will send you off with a full tank of gas, and a tear in my eye.

I will always remember the lessons that you taught me. How you humbled me. As well as the kindness and generosity your true owners showed me.

Drive on Mobile, drive on.