Alone, with my rage......

What a week it has been. I think that the beginning of the week I had a nervous breakdown. Do I know why.....nope. I just felt all of this nothingness inside. All I wanted to do when I got up was go right back to bed. Then when I got up, the anxiety of the world and my daily mommy duties would about do me in. Then the rage would set in.

I tend to feel like that alot lately. I dont want to "hang out" with the girls much. I definately don't want to spend time with my family. It is nothing that they do, it is me. I tend to isolate myself when I get this way. Even tonight I talked my way out of going to a hockey game so I could stay home alone. The rest of my family is at the rink eating popcorn and watching hockey players get into brawls. They are probably having a great time and I could care less.

You see, I am Bi-polar and I fly through emotions like my boys go through crates of ramen noodles. (Yes, I know they have no nutritional value, but you try to feed a house full of boys on $200/month. Oops, sorry, ADD moment) No one really knows how to take me, neither do I for that matter. I would love to be the girl that everyone would like to go and hang out with. The one with the infectious personality, that you just feel good being around.

That is not how I work though. I wasn't made that way. I am still looking for the woman that I was made to be. Looking for the right words to say. The right thoughts to go running through my mind rather than a constant humming rage that never stops.

Over the next few weeks I will be sharing some letters that I have written to myself. They are letters that start when I am born, and go up until the present. I had never felt so free as when I wrote those letters the first time, so I am hoping that this time It will be just as freeing. You never know, I could have a major bi-polar swing and never write on here again..... Hopefully not, it could happen though.....

Regardless, it will be hard, interesting and, one crazy journey.